Ending It All…Is It Worth It?

I am home alone. For a minute, I had the feeling to off myself. To let it all go. I thought about going up the stairs to my bedroom and ending my life. Why? Because I am in my 40s. I am tired. I work the same mundane job and nothing changes. I don’t even have the desire to make anything change because I work so much. And when I am not working I feel lost if left alone. When others are around I have stuff to do because they give me instructions but alone I get that feeling. I imagine myself actually doing it. My lifeless body laying there on the floor in a pool of blood. My dog goes to smell my remains and then sits on his bed in despair. Then the next day comes. Either my husband or my daughter gets the pleasure of seeing the horrific sight and never gets it out of their head. They get the honor of having to tell everyone what happened over and over again.

Do I really want to put them through all that turmoil just because I have this moment where I don’t want to be here?

Well, no. That’s why I went for a walk instead.

I went down to the nearby lake to see the swans. They look so graceful. On my way there, I thought of why I would want to end it all. Well, I am in my 40s as I mentioned before and I feel like I have not lived my life purpose. I know what it is. I see it but there is a part of me that got so conditioned from others as to how the world works. It supposed to suck. You are supposed to work hard. That is how you feel achievement. If life was easy then you would never feel rewarded.

Now while that has been ingrained in me there is another belief pattern. One that has been discovered by many but only a few have achieved. The belief in abundance. The belief that abundance is our birthright, we just have to change our thoughts to change our life. That’s it!

Wish it were that easy but there is a lot of reprogramming that must go on. Can you just wake up one day and decide to live a life of abundance? Of course you can but you better feel worthy of it or it will not appear. Changing the thoughts is just one part of changing the life, the other more difficult part is changing your vibration, your feelings of worthiness. For some that is very hard. For me that is very hard and there is a part of me that wants to quit. But that part is not as strong as my will to live and work on changing.

I want a more fulfilled happy life. I want to do and feel the things that make me happy. I want to be in constant connection with my creativity. I want to be in nature more. But…there is a part of me that won’t allow. The part that is still program to follow the rules, the belief that life is hard. The belief that I can’t find a better job. The belief that I can’t figure out how to work for myself and be my own boss. And when those beliefs creep up which they do many days of the week since I do work for someone else. I do have to get up for that job and make the money to have all the stuff that is supposed to make me happy. But honestly I don’t enjoy because I am too tired from the job that brings me the money to make me happy.

Did you follow that? I bet to some extent you can relate. Learning human design has helped me understand myself better and the shadows that plague my true purpose in this life. Also, I do feel when I am in alignment, I do understand what my skills are and how they benefit others. I just can’t seem to let the piece go of how I have to work hard for someone else in order to make it in this world. I can’t seem to let that go. I feel it deeply rooted in my body and it won’t budge. I try to be gentle but I think now I am just going to have to make myself completely uncomfortable in order for it to go away. Otherwise I will stay where I am because it’s comfortable. Comfort is what I do. But comfort is killing me. I can’t see nor feel my purpose in comfort. I definitely love watching pointless TV, feeding my face with shitty food, and loathing in negative self talk in comfort. Comfort is queen of my bullshit life and now I must work to move it.

So I take a walk, I move it. I move my thoughts to something more appealing, the swans, the stillness of the lake water, the green grass. The beauty of the sky and the nature around me. My walk moves me toward a happier place, toward nature, and out of my comfort. The comfort that comes with dark thoughts and dismal ideas. So dear reader if you too feel lost or in sorrow, take a walk. Dance. Do something creative. Move the negative out of your body and start your journey to something great!

Blissings to you.

Jessica